Anger Management Strategies and The Law of Attraction:
Lesson One: Anger Management Strategies or The Origin and Resolution of Conflict
When we are thinking correctly, we don't need courses in anger management strategies or anything else that tell us who we are. Courses become data replaying, and it is only our egos that believe we need to "learn." Our true selves A Course in Miracles (ACIM) and Ho'oponopono teach us, already have access to the truth. It is our ego that seeks to separate us from the truth.
One teacher said "the ego wants you dead." This is a pretty strong statement at face value. It is clear in both these teachings that the ego wants you separated from God (ACIM) or Divinity (Ho'oponopono). This would be, if possible, a death sentence.
Let's test this. When you are angry, irritated, grumpy or offended, why is it that you are feeling this way? Understanding the cause is the first step in anger management strategies.
There is always some way by which you feel less than complete or less than satisfied. My partner always checks to see whether I'm hungry when I'm a little irritable. This used to annoy me further when my ego was telling me that someone outside myself had done something or said something that prickled. However, more often than not, the "offense" was taken care of and forgiven as soon as I had some food. The ego always emphasizes separation. The truth is that there is no separation. Without the ego, there would be no need for anger management strategies.
One teacher of mine, Jane Middleton Moz, a Native American woman from Vermont, and a psychologist as well, used to talk about the "hot potato" being passed around in a family. It's too hot to hold on to, so family members pass it around. This is not one of the effective anger management strategies. The distress could be about anything. It doesn't matter really, whether it's addiction, illness, or any other frustration from lack or withholding, or some family "secret". After all, a family is but a microcosm of the world.
And the "hot potato" is some kind of uncomfortable feeling. When this feeling of anger or fear is too unbearable for one person, s/he does their best to pass it to someone else. This is the egos anger management strategy. Does it work? Too often, parents are passing this to their children. Children naturally pass their uncomfortable feelings to their parents. This is known as projection. Their parents, if they are healthy and strong, adult and loving, know how to share this feeling in order to teach their children how to diffuse it. Later in life, these children as grownups are able to diffuse their own uncomfortable feelings with good anger management strategies.
But, in other families where the parents are feeling overwhelmed by their own stress, or their own lack, separation and depression, they are not able to share their children's difficult feelings. When their children are angry or tired, grumpy or hurt, they push them away. Sometimes this push seems to be from love and this might be the most confusing because any push away is not a loving gesture nor an effective anger management strategy.
This might be disguised as connection, where the mother will scream at the child's physical wound and then frantically try to clean and bandage it. An outsider might think that this mother is so connected, she is feeling the child's pain or fearing for the child's welfare. In truth, this mother is feeling and acting from her own discomfort, not the child's.
If she were feeling the child's discomfort and fear, she would do what anyone would do to relieve a child's fear. We make or restore an emotional connection through a hug, a smile, a kiss. Any of those things done by a loving parent will instantly relieve a child's fear.
If a scream is not a push away, an audible slap, or a rejection, I don't know what is. There are only two things a child is born fearing, heights and loud sounds. So, a mother who screams at her child's wounds is telling them that she cannot bear any of their pain, and what's more, if they loved her they would take on her pain. This rejection will cause the child to be angry as s/he gets older, and will bring about a need for anger management strategies.
A smile tells a child, "come here and I'll help you with this." This is already soothing, but any gentle touch, a hug or a kiss is a greater sharing of the hurt that reduces it to a very low hummm.
Another form of rejection that might be mistaken for love, is when the parent ignores the child's misbehavior. Any ignoring of a child, is rejection. It is never love. Any ignoring is pushing away the child. If a child is acting out, fighting, yelling or being disrespectful, this is an act that requires attention. Without attention, additional anger management strategies will be required in the child's future.
A young child can usually be successfully distracted. An older child needs to know that you love them, but that the behavior is anti-social. If you don't correct the behavior, how will they know that every idea they have, every impulse they have is not necessarily a good one? Who will teach them about the need to control their ego, if not a loving parent?
So, back to the hot potato. When a child is acting in an anti-social way, they are discharging their own uncomfortable feelings on someone, or several people. These feelings must be shared by a parent or nearby guardian. They are then taught how to "handle" these feelings appropriately. If they are hit or screamed at or demeaned, they are taught to reject these feelings and will continue to "project" them on to others in their later lives.
This projection is the ego's way of diminishing feelings. The ego, according to A Course in Miracles, seeks to convince you that by projecting your feelings on another, you will feel better. The truth is that whatever you give away, you have. Whether you give away love, or give away anger, is your decision to make.
As Jane Middleton Moz teaches us, passing around the hot potato keeps it in the family. If we extend this idea to the world community, we can see why there is never ending conflict. Just as it is resolved in one area, something crops up in another. We must learn another way in order to achieve peace.
A Course in Miracles teaches: to have peace: teach peace to learn it. We talked about parents smiling and opening their hearts and their minds to comfort their distressed children. This is teaching peace. This is teaching their children that there is nothing to fear. Our bodies know how to heal, but a child's spirit sometimes needs to be pointed to the truth that all is all right, always. The truth is that there is nothing wrong. We are sons of God, and, as such, always perfect. It is the ego that seeks to make us see imperfection.
In Ho'oponopono practice, the parent would take 100% responsibility and ask Divinity to remove any program in him, or any of his ancestors back to the creation, that caused this child to be hurt. Love would also be offered, and do you see how taking responsibility would prevent the parent from asking those questions that make the child feel guilty as well as hurt? There would be no "how did you do this?" There would be no, "I told you to be careful." The parent is asking Divinity to correct the error in him, not the child, and meanwhile comforting the child. As soon as we ask, Divinity removes the program that caused the distress.
In Law of Attraction jargon, we become the truth we seek. We take 100% responsibility as in Subjective Reality. We learn to be peace in order to teach it to our children, and neighbors. We see that when we are in conflict, those around us are also in conflict, but when we are at peace, those around us will also be at peace.
What Really Works for Adults
If you are from a family where you learned to "let it out" and to pass the hot potato as anger management strategies, you will need to learn some new coping mechanisms.
First: Letting it out whether at strangers, your partner, or at your child or friend NEVER HELPS! The anger, fear or resentment that they feel will just leave you in a more isolated and difficult place.
Second: Letting it out with a therapist does not do much better, but is less bad than the strategy above. The reason is that your unconscious hears your distress and records it. We know from the Law of Attraction that whether this distress is something you want to avoid, or whether the discharge feels momentarily good, you are just calling more distress into your life.
Third: Stuffing it is not helpful either. This puts it into the "avoid" category. From the Law of Attraction, "What we resist, persists."
Forth: Here is where positive and useful anger management strategies begin. At the first sign of anger/irritation/distress/grumpiness or loss, stop. Determine whether you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. This is the HALT from Alcoholics Anonymous, and is a great starting place. If any of these is true, fix this first.
Fifth: Meditate daily. If you have an anger management problem, you will be 90% improved by just adding this one practice to your life. If you can use
or other binaural beat this will help immeasurably. This adds healthy stress to your brain, which causes it to grow, and new neurons to be produced. It grows and strengthens the connection between your left and right brains even faster, which helps with creative problem solving and anger management strategies.
This practice is one of taking 100% responsibility. Often the ego fires up our anger by making us believe that someone outside ourselves is doing something to us. This is corrected by learning and using Ho'oponopono.
Seventh: EMT , or Emotional Meridian Therapy (or tapping practice)
is a practice which has given many relief from difficult emotions. If you have a history of angry outbursts, or illness caused by frustrations and bottled anger, why not give it a try? It's free, self empowering, fast and it has helped millions of sufferers.
Eighth: When someone angers you, say, "Just like me." This is a technique offered by Arjuna Ardagh. It is similar to Genpo Roshi's technique of giving our repressed voices some acceptance. The idea is that no event in our lives is totally unconnected to our history. The characteristics that we most deplore are often those we have fought hardest against in ourselves. When we can accept those impulses in ourselves, we will feel less anger at others who exhibit those same emotions. This is a very helpful and immediate anger management strategy!
Additionally, we recommend this other website which specializes in more traditional
anger management strategies and resources for adults.
These are very different than those for children, especially if this has been a long standing problem. Perhaps you are not yet ready to solve your anger problem, but simply want to lessen the ill effects.